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Five Alternate Theories As To How Wes Welker May Have Accidentally Taken Drugs At The Kentucky Derby

By Alyssa Pereira

Wes Welker had a wild time at the Kentucky Derby earlier this year, and that jaunt into party town just cost him a whole lot of money and some bad (but hilarious) press.

You see, while his streak was hot at the Derby, Welker came up winning a race or two.

It was his lucky day! What a grand time.

Then, for *allegedly* no other reason than that he won some cash, Welker thought it would be uproariously funny to hand out $100 dollar bills to the passing crowd.

The policemen, however, didn’t think it was all that cute as this is exactly the sort of thing that causes public brawls, violence, and lots of hurt feelings, so they promptly stopped him.

He did make some new friends though.

Here’s the problem: not long after his FREE-MONEY-FOR-EVERYONE! stunt, Welker tested positive for amphetamine, which, as you are probably aware, is a big no-no in the NFL.

Welker insisted that couldn’t possibly have drugged himself because he doesn’t even know “where to get a Molly or what a Molly is,” and there’s no way he could even do that, you don’t even know, and you’re just going to have to trust him, because “that’s a joke.”

Tom Brady, who was also there (and didn’t even get any of Welker’s free money, which is very rude) was asked by if he saw Welker taking “anything” while at the Derby. In response, Brady “laughed really hard and said, ‘No comment on that.'”

So, in response to Welker’s #Derbygate scandal, we offering up a few alternate theories as to the actual events of that day.

1. His yellow fedora had MDMA residue on it.

Seriously look at that thing. Why would he even buy that? It looks like a actual pile of mustard. Clearly this ostentatious accessory was used in a drug trade at some point before it landed in the hands of Welker, at which time it picked up MDMA residue somehow. At the Derby, the forecast was sunny, so Welker’s sweaty forehead pores probably just absorbed the drugs that way. It’s science, you know?

2. He ate one of those dollar bills first so he could feel like a hundred bucks.

Do you ever hear those insane stories about U.S. dollar bills containing trace amounts of cocaine? Maybe a little bit of amphetamine ended up on one he ate in a celebratory fit of reckless, flowing testosterone, and his belly absorbed the drug.

3. His real secret ambition is to re-enact ‘Fear & Loathing’ but actually be rich.

Who knows? Maybe Welker is a true Gonzo at heart. Except for the money part.

4. A stealthy saboteur stabbed him with a toxin-injecting pen.

In a James Bond-like scenario, a contracted secret agent injected Welker with MDMA while coyly requesting an autograph with a pen like this. Welker was none the wiser.

5. Someone spiked his drink.

Let me tell you, those mint juleps really get to you. There is so much sugar in one of those drinks, you can’t taste anything else. Maybe someone wanted to sabotage his game. SCANDAL!

Though that last one is actually pretty plausible, we may never know what actually happened. However, we hope (for our fantasy football roster’s sake) this scandal disappears as soon as that hat should from the world’s surface.



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