If there’s one thing we know, it’s that animals aren’t afraid of us anymore and they plan to reclaim the Earth. If it isn’t the giant dog-sized rabbit that was just discovered or the new terrifying species of spider, it’s the leopard that just broke into a school in India and mauled the people inside of it. The video footage of this thing climbing over a chain linked fence and going after people like they were antelope will make you really glad you don’t live anywhere near these things. No one died, thankfully, but six people were injured as they spent ten hours subduing and eventually tranquilizing it. Then there’s always the three hundred manatees who huddled together in Florida and blocked off Three Sisters Springs. They’re taking over!!
This weekend people from Denver, Carolina and beyond got to experience the joys and hardships that come with being in the Bay Area and California. The general reaction though, was that people really enjoyed their stay. Apart from the occasional homeless man exposing himself, the homeless were nowhere to be found and the tech boom has pushed a lot of the hippies out, so people thought it was pretty tame compared to its reputation. One thing that didn’t go anywhere was the smell of weed. Many tourists noticed it as a standout, and it is. On the other hand, Cam Newton’s impression of the Bay was not so good. He’s feeling the effects of working in California and the taxes that come with it. Since he was working here but not a resident of the state, he has to pay a whopping $137,000 in taxes. They call it the “Jock Tax,” and given that he only got a $54,000 bonus to play in the big game, it wasn’t exactly worth the trip.
It hasn’t been a good week for India. For the first time in 200 years someone died by meteorite. A bus driver was struck by a mysterious object which turned out to be a meteorite that had fallen from the sky. The impact that killed a 40-year-old bus driver shattered the windshields of five buses parked on the campus and gouged out a small crater on the ground. Students scurried out of their classes when they heard the deafening impact.
The party continues for techies in the Bay Area as big winners were announced at the 9th annual Crunchie Awards last night. Chelsea Peretti hosted, making cracks about the city saying she loves what we’ve done with the “poor people.” But it was good that rich white dudes finally got to have their moments of glory (#sarcasm). Mark Zuckerburg won CEO of the year, best startup went to Uber, best mobile app went back to Facebook for their Messenger app, and Elon Musk got recognition for SpaceX and the Falcon 9, which won best technological achievement. It was a good day for rich people, which is pretty much like every other day for rich people.
Our horrible Wifi here in the studio has made life very difficult. It screws up access to the text messages, we can’t load audio we’ve downloaded, it ruined Kevin’s appearance on HLN. But we shouldn’t feel too bad because apparently our Wifi is just as bad at the White House. In a recent interview, Obama made it clear that their spotty Wifi is an issue, and that their daughters are often very frustrated by it. It’s an old building, so there are a number of places where there’s no connection. He said they’ve been working hard to fix it so the next Administration will have an easier time of it. So there you have it. It doesn’t matter if you’re America’s leader. An old building is an old building.
Yesterday Chipotle was closed. We knew this was coming and still missed the free burritos. There was talk of this happening but there was no official confirmation until yesterday when they announced anyone who wanted a raincheck burrito could simply text the word to a number and receive a redeemable coupon. It was their way of saying “Sorry for the E Coli, everything’s cool now.” But if you didn’t get your burrito, don’t cry. You can get the consolation prize for free Jack In-The-Box hamburgers. I know it’s no Barbacoa, but you can go to their website and enter to get your free burger as part of their one-million burger giveaway.
Right when you thought Starbucks couldn’t get any classier, they go ahead and open some upscale cafés and double the prices of their coffee. The first location, called Starbucks Reserve, opens in New York where at 12-ounce cup of coffee costs $4. They plan to open 500 more of these locations in the next few years. Int he meantime, for us commoners, they came out with three new Valentine’s Day drinks for you to enjoy: Molten Chocolate Latte, Molten Chocolate Frappuccino and Molten Hot Chocolate.