As we collectively decide the name of Kevin’s unborn child, a lot of names have been tossed around. My favorite so far is Beautyrest Black Hybrid, but there’s still time to make a final decision. And we should add a few more popular names to the list including anything from the new Star Wars movie. Since the movie’s premiere, names related to the film have skyrocketed. The name Kylo, as in Kylo Ren, has gone up 67% in the last year, and the name Rey has gone up 82%. Lucas is still the fifth most popular name for boys, though I don’t know if George Lucas can take credit for that one. The names Finn and Poe Dameron remain unchanged since the movie’s release. But I nominate both for Kevin’s baby.
I’m hoping this isn’t an April Fool’s prank. I’m really hoping spreadable beer is real. And I really hope vagina beer is not. Let’s start with spreadable beer. The independent Scottish beer company Innis & Gunn has apparently turned their IPA into a spreadable marmalade. It’s a marmilALE, and they make it by adding beer to marmalade during the boiling process which adds a nice hoppy taste to the orange-y taste of the marmalade to make a hell of a hybrid. Meanwhile in Poland they’re developing a beer made out of a woman’s vaginal bacteria. And not just any woman, a model named Alexandra Brendlova. I don’t know what kind of brewing process in involved here, but I don’t want to know really. But there’s an IndieGogo campaign up right now for The Order of Yoni. Sooo, there ya go. Donate to something that matters.
A lot of people have given up on their NCAA brackets this year. Unlikely teams were winning from the beginning and no one has a perfect bracket. But the one person with the best bracket has guessed 48 out of the 60 games correctly. And this is his first year ever even participating in March Madness. His final four is perfect and his final predictions are strong as well. He’s tied with two other people for the best in the entire pool. He has a one in three chance to win $50,000, except for the fact that he forgot to write down a winner. He claims Yahoo’s system for filling out the bracket is confusing, and he just didn’t pick a winner though he says he would have picked Villanova to win it all. But even if they do win, it doesn’t matter because he isn’t eligible to win any prizes. #Hecray.
Everyone claims they have the best dog in the world, but that’s not true. This dog has earned that title. Because he brought a pound of weed home to his owner. Very, very good boy. A black and white lab named Miley went out for her morning pee and came back with a white bag full or marijuana packaged for selling. But the owner did the dumbest thing ever by telling the cops about it. Now the cops are investigating just who was distributing this mystery weed. The problem is, they can’t really ask the dog where she found it, so they’re sort of just searching for a blunt in a haystack. Which is Miley’s next mission. Also, leave it to a dog named Miley to find drugs as soon as she leaves the house.
Chipotle is sick of just doing burritos. And we’re sick of getting sick off their burritos. But now we have the possibility of getting sick off of much more than that, because Chipotle might be opening a new burger chain called “Better Burger.” They applied for the trademark yesterday and they’ve said the Chipotle model could easily be applied to a wide variety of foods. We can throw up more than just burrito bowls, you guys! They’ve already tried getting into pizza with their new Pizzaria Locale restaurants, so why stop there? After all, when you’re company is in a rapid decline it’s always good to branch out and start new endeavors you’re not sure will work out. But the US burger business did generate $74 billion in 2014. So, Ecoli for everyone!
If there’s one thing we know, it’s that people can’t sit still on planes anymore. We all have ADD now and we must do what we want when we want at all times. So it shouldn’t be too surprising that a plane had to turn around mid-flight and return to it’s original destination after a man became belligerent that he couldn’t do yoga poses in the aisle. They were flying from Hawaii, a place where many people go for peace and relaxation, but this man didn’t want it to end in the friendly skies. He tried to meditate and do a series of yoga poses, but started headbutting passengers when he was told to get back in his seat. When his wife tried to reason with him, he turned on her and pushed her, accusing her of siding with the flight attendants. Eventually they had to turn around and land back in Honolulu, which is a great excuse to miss work.