Sure, you’re probably sitting down as you read this. But if you sit too long, beware of dormant butt syndrome. It’s real and it’s a problem plaguing the nation. Doctors are calling this a relatively new ailment that has sprung up as a result of all the constant sitting we do, where basically you sit on your ass so much that your ass muscles weaken and don’t help support your body. When your butt muscles weaken, the rest of your body tries to pick up the slack which results in back, hip and knee pain. Many doctors are reporting higher volumes of people coming in with this type of problem, and it could be affecting millions of Americans. So, 4 out of 5 doctors agree: when it comes to your ass, use it or lose it.
People have accepted that eggplant is the emoji for penis. Nowadays you can’t even text your mother a dinner recipe without accidentally saying you want to have sex with her. Which I guess is why they’re coming out with 72 new emojis next month, many of which are better alternatives for genitalia. For example: cucumber, baguette, croissant(?), carrot, and salad. Other foods being added include avocado, potato, Chinese dumplings, and mmm….bacon. Patrick, can now finally text his no-friends peanut emojis, because those are on the way as well!! They’ve also added a pregnant woman, a selfie arm, a drooling face. Those and so many more have been approved by the Unicode Technical Committee, which is insane that an entire committee is meeting over these things.
We’ve talked about vacation sex before on this show. The general consensus we reached was that having sex while on vacation or in a hotel is the best thing ever. But it turns out that science does not agree with us. This was a study done by Durex, where they found that half of people expect better sex when they’re away on a summer vacation, but 60% of people admitted they were unimpressed when it actually happened. But why?? It seems like drinking out of a coconut while Coppertone is slathered all over your stomach, how could you not be in the mood? Well, the reason, once again, is technology. The study showed 57% of people said they would be much more turned on if they knew their partner had turned off their phone and made it clear that they are really focused on having a good time. Durex found this by inviting couples on a vacation and separating them into two groups, one with tech and one without. The non-tech couples were much happier with their sexcapades. HOW CAN I BE A PART OF THESE SURVEYS??
There’s noTHING and no ONE that is higher than Bay Area rent right now. And Mark Zuckerburg isn’t exactly helping by purchasing and bulldozing the four homes that surround his home in Palo Alto so that people can’t see the inside of his bedroom. But he definitely makes enough to spend $30 million dollars making sure no one sees him getting into his grey t-shirts. But how much do others have to make in order to survive here? According to the latest numbers, if you’re renting a 2 bedroom place in San Francisco, the average salary you need is $216,000 per year. That’s what you’d have to make so that your rent doesn’t exceed 30% of your salary. In fact, things have gotten so bad that Delores Park is offering paid reservations for lawn space. Many are asking, is this all because of the outdoor urinal? It is a hot new item! SF Parks and Rec has been taking $33 reservations for a section of lawn accommodating 50 people or less and $325 for a large lawn section for 400 guests. Plus an application and a $200 security deposit. So people actually have to pay for PARK-ing. But this was only part of a pilot program, and half a day after the story broke people were so outraged that SF Parks and Rec announced they will not continue the program after it ends in July.
Some would assume that Bill Cosby is the biggest thing happening in the court system right now. And sure, your childhood idol standing trial for indecent assault and possibly getting 30 years in prison is news, but I bet you didn’t hear about the bigger story: that Tinder is suing 3nder, the threesome app where our little friend Brad Williams met his soulmate right here on this very show. Tinder is playing the copyright infringement card, saying 3nder was given an unfair advantage by using a version of their name. They would really like it if 3nder would do them a solid by shutting down completely and removing their presence online. 3nder’s response was: wanna BJ? No, it wasn’t. But they did respond with the hashtag #TinderSuckMySocks and people have been tweeting out pictures of their socks as a form of protest.
While older people take pride in patience and hard work, millennials are building million dollar apps overnight without so much as getting off the couch. And it seems after the results of this study, we finally know why. It’s because that couch their sitting on belongs to their parents. The latest stats have shown that over a third of people 18-34 still live with their parents, which is a higher number than people that age living with their significant others. People especially age 25-34 are staying with mom and dad more than ever before. It’s definitely easier to focus on million dollar apps when you’re mom’s making you meatloaf every night and you don’t have to worry about rent. Back in the 50’s, if you moved out before you were married you were a degenerate harlot. Now, you’re just dumb for being independent. But at least parents won’t have to worry about empty nest syndrome.
Some people take liberties when it comes to pet rescuing. As soon as they see a dog tied up or sitting in a car, they feel the need to rescue them from their abusive owner. Everyone wants to be a hero, and if this new bill passes in California, it’s going to be even easier for people to rescue your dog from the confines of your car. It’s called the “Right to Rescue Act,” and if passed it would allow any stranger to legally break into your car and free your animal, even if that means smashing your window. And of course, there are people who leave their dogs in the car for too long. If it’s 70 degrees outside, it can get up to 99 degrees in the car in under 20 minutes. But would this lead to heroes rescuing your dog when all you were doing is dropping an envelope off in the mail? According to the bill the person must have a “good faith belief” that the animal is in danger, but as you know that means different things to different people.