Let’s finish it up with something that will make Kevin very happy. According to science, being grumpy and bad-tempered means you’ll live a longer and happier life. It doesn’t seem like happiness and grumpiness go hand in hand, but apparently they do. Being pessimistic and cranky makes you have a longer life, a happier marriage and helps you earn more money. It makes you a superior negotiator, a better decision-makers and it cuts down your risk of having a heart attack. Cynics can even have more stable marriages, higher earnings and longer lives – though, of course, they’ll anticipate the opposite. And people in good moods, your days are numbered. The “It will probably kill you” for the week is positivity. Being in a good mood decreases your drive, lowers your attention to detail and makes you gullible and selfish. Positivity is also known to encourage binge drinking, overeating and unsafe sex.
If you aren’t caught up on the current drinking trends, here’s an update. Boxed wine: not cool. Canned wine: cool. If you feel like you’ve been seeing a lot more canned wine out there lately, you’re not crazy or going back in time. What started out as a ridiculous notion has now become a huge trend, with canned wine sales jumping 125 percent in the last year. Because the truth is, in the summer there’s nothing people want more than to drink in public. And because people don’t want to sport a box of Franzia in Delores Park, they go for the classier chardonnay four-pack. It tastes a lot better than a box, and it doesn’t require all the extra crap that comes with bringing a bottle of wine, like a corkscrew and plastic cups. You don’t need to bring any of that which just means there’s room in your backpack for more canned wine. So crack open a pinot, everybody, because it’s cool now!
Well, you know what they say: The Olympics aren’t over until the coaches start stripping. And that’s what happened as the last few events took place in Rio this weekend. Two wrestlers were competing for the Bronze medal, and when Ganzorigiin Mandakhnaran seemed to have won. To celebrate, he began running around the ring with ten seconds left in the match. But celebrating too early can sometimes cost you, and he was disqualified for leaving the ring before the match was over. As a result, his opponent took the medal which caused two of his coaches to strip their clothes in protest. And though these coaches were from Mongolia, it was a very Bay Area way to deal with a problem. And speaking of the Bay Area, several of our Warriors were given gold medals in one of the easiest basketball tournaments of their lives. They beat Serbia by 30 points and Kevin Durant scored 30 points, posting later that he now needs a “brewski.” And don’t forget about women basketball! The USA team won gold as well. That brings the final tally for America to 61 medals for women and 55 for men. Go labias!
Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than sitting on your ass eating pizza while you watch the Olympics. But don’t feel depressed. Let Instagram do that for you. A brand new algorithm claims it can tell whether or not you’re a depressed person just based on your Instagram filters. Because the filters you choose really say something about how you view the world, so if you frequently use Inkwell, which turns pictures black & white, you’re a miserable depressed human being. But if you use brighter filters like Juno, you’re either really positive or just trying to make the world look prettier than it is. They also found that more depressed people didn’t use filters at all, perhaps because not using filters means you’re just taking the world at face value. Based on this, my guess is that if you use photoshop you’re a psychopath who’s trying to create an alternate world where everything is pretty and everyone has thigh gaps. That is all.
We are no strangers to the frequent hiring and firing at CBS. If one episode of Scorpion doesn’t do well, you’d better believe someone’s head is on the chopping block as a result. But we’re very thankful to have our jobs, and it turns out we might have Miss Katie Couric to thank for our gainful employment. When she was an anchor on the CBS evening news, she got word that a lot of her staff was going to be laid off due to budget cuts. So she took matters into her own hands and discreetly told CBS to cut her pay by one million dollars, just so the people she worked with could keep their jobs. Now, she was probably making lots of millions of dollars, but that’s still a huge pay cut and to cover her bases with the lawyers, she had them put in writing that the money should be used directly for those employees and that they would not be terminated. Also, until now she requested that this information be kept secret from the public. So she saved the fragile jobs of other people at CBS and who knows, maybe her generosity has trickled down to this very radio show. But probably not.
If you’re in San Francisco, you might not be aware that it is in fact summer right now. But if you’re in other parts of the bay you’ve been enjoying the warm weather and visiting those beautiful, sandy, overcrowded beaches. Sure, sharks attacks are at an all-time high but that won’t stop people from taking advantage of global warming. And as a result, beaches are getting so overly crowded that people are fighting over patches of sound and now legal action must be taken to get it all under control. And this isn’t in the Bay Area per se, but many beaches all over the country and all over the world are extremely overpopulated and people are so desperate to get that sweet spot right next to the water that they are camping overnight and staking their claims hours before the sun rises. But officials in some beaches are saying this just too much. Fighting over sand must stop somewhere, so they have begun confiscating lounge chairs and blankets, and are even fining people up to $290 for saving spots.