I know this image is disturbing, but I can’t control what Trendasaurus tells us. And he wants you to know that science says Kevin and I will eventually hook up with each other. I don’t know if it will happen in this smelly studio or in the dirty bandaid-ridden bathroom. They’re both equally romantic, but it’s eventually going to happen. The reason is this: when you’re with someone all the time, you know all their ins and outs. You have your little inside jokes and your daily routines, and eventually you start finding them more attractive. You start noticing how cute he looks when he burps into a microphone. The way his head tilts to the side when he scratches his swamp ass. The more you’re around someone, the more familiar they are and according to this study, it makes them more and more attractive as time goes on. So it is inevitable, but at least I know that if it ever were to happen, it would only last nine thrusts. The regret though, will last a lifetime.
I thought Old Navy getting crap for sexist Ghostbusters shirts would be the biggest story this week in gender outrage, but then Target had to go ahead and one-up them. And this one has to do with female superheros. It’s a pink shirt with words reading “Batgirl to do List,” which includes things like “dryclean cape, wash Batmobile, fight crime, save the world.” Soo, yeah, naturally Target has been flooded with angry letters, and people are saying things like “you’re presenting a future where our daughters need to complete their ‘home duties’ before they can go out and save the world.” But on the other hand, if you don’t like it you could just not buy the shirt. But Target did the thing that everyone else does and issued an apology, saying they did not mean to offend anyone. At least they’re happy to take the focus off of the bathroom issue for a minute.
Well, it took years, but it has finally happened. It’s something people have been asking for, complaining about, and angrily hashtagging for a long while now. Since the creation of Instagram, it has become more popular than Twitter and has 500 million active users. But all those users would pinch a picture hoping it would zoom in, only to be met with disappointment. We were being deprived of our phone’s simplest feature, but I’m happy to say the torture is finally over. Instagram added zoom, and everyone is pinching their pictures in ecstasy. You can finally see those ugly shoes your friend bought up close, and now you can leave a more accurate passive aggressive comment. But there is a catch. You can zoom, but as soon as you let go the picture will return to its original size, which is super annoying. Soo, they almost got it right. How many more years will we have to wait until we’ll be able to zoom in the right way, the way God intended? Only time will tell.
Let’s talk about breakfast soup. As times change, so do the people’s wants and needs. And in 2016 it’s all about taking that glass of orange juice and throwing it in the garbage. Yes, that refreshing glass of liquid fruit has lost its popularity. OJ sales are down, down, down. And why? Because nowadays people think of sugar as the devil, and since orange juice has lots of sugar in it, people don’t want to waste their precious grams on a dumb glass of OJ. The other reason is because the juicing craze is killing OJ. There’s only so much liquid a person can ingest in the morning. But you’d better believe this doesn’t change a thing for the coffee industry. Sales have NOT dropped, in fact a newer, stronger coffee has been created called Ass Kicker coffee, which contains a near lethal dose of caffeine and comes with a health warning label. We are now officially killing ourselves because we’re trying so hard to wake up.
It’s a very exciting time of year right now. The time when the DMV releases the new list of rejected license plates that came through this year. Every year people try to get vanity plates saying things that are vulgar or sexual in nature. And every year, the DMV gets the better of them. They even try to find their way around it by giving a asinine explanation of what it means. Anyway, here are our favorites:
1FDMOM Customer’s meaning: My son is in the fire department.
DATT ASS Customer’s meaning: Pointing out how good the rear end of my car looks.
VAGIN ❤ ER Customer’s meaning: My favorite drink is Bowman’s Virginia Gin (VA) for Virginia and gin for gin, so this plate would be read “Virginia Gin Lover”
CAML TOE Customer’s meaning: While overseas I had my truck pulled from a mud pit with a camel owned by nearby villagers.
COK2BIG Customer’s meaning: My grandfather invented the 2002 bottle specifically for Coca Cola company and we carry this in remembrance of a great man.
JAYOFF Customer’s meaning: My nickname is Jay and I jokingly brand all of my stuff as “Jay Official” This is abbreviated.
AHOE4ME Customer’s meaning: I have a 2002 Chevy Tahoe and my maiden name initials are M.E.
BALZINI Customer’s meaning: My magician name when I use to perform as a teenager
FKNG BLAK. Customer’s meaning: FKN is initials for my 3 great grandmas Francine, Karen and ‘N’ for Nanny. And the word Blak “Black” because my car appears black.
Ladies, you are officially off the hook. People no longer expect you to pay a bunch of money for racy boudoir photos. No one needs to see you running on a beach or lounging over a day bed in a feather boa anymore. It’s 2016, which means out with the boudoir and in with the Dudeoir. Yup, pictures of men wearing skimpy clothing, sexily laying on a beach or giving pouty lips in a life vest are getting all kinds of attention, and people are demanding more. It’s the trend no one ever thought they wanted. One lumberjack started it all by taking a series of photos with a professional photographer where he was in a variety of “sexy beach” outfits. One even included him in a mermaid tail which perfectly accentuated his chest hair. And his shoulder hair. And his back hair. And butt hair. But beauty is in the eye of the beholder and the beholder finds this awesome. So get ready for more Dudeoir calendars! See pictures here: