By Ally

Hearing this news makes me a little sad, but it also makes me a little excited to spin our wheel of Groupon Roulette again. You can obsess over Star Wars all you want, but you will never attain the incredible light saber skills of Luke Skywalker. Or will you?? Finally, your chance to become a real Jedi has finally come, because a lightsaber school is opening up in the US and you could be one of their first students. If you want to go to a school where people aren’t hooking up with each other, this is the school for you. A company called LudoSport has had a lightsaber training academy in Europe for a while now, but they’ve it is now time to take their success into the Western world. And where else to start a school like this than right here in San Franscisco. (please read the following to yourself, with a lisp) The school will teach seven forms of lightsaber combat while leveling from Padawan to Knight, letting you figure out what type of Star Wars canon you want to emulate. They’ll focus on offense, defense, balance, and Ataru, the gravity-defying form Yoda employed in Revenge of the Sith.

Trendasaurus always makes it a priority to share any breaking dinosaur news out there, and this one could change the future of Trendasaurus as we know it. One of the few things you might remember from school is that dinosaurs are really big, really scaly, and they roar. But I’m sorry to say that the Magic Schoolbus was lying to you, because though they were big, it is much more likely that they were feathered. They also ‘cooed’ rather than roared. Paleontologists did some really long drawn out studies on the fossilized vocal chords of a dinosaur and discovered that their voices were built the same as that of an ostrich or a duck, so they were naturally built to coo or quack much more so than roar. Some dinosaurs might have growled or groaned, sort of like an alligator, but it is not likely that they ever screamed or roared the way we think they did. So dinosaurs aren’t scary, they’re just basically a bunch of huge birds.

If you took molly this weekend, chances are you probably attended the Treasure Island Music Festival. They promised it would be a rain or shine event, and there was zero shine present, leaving thousands waiting outside for delayed acts in the freezing rain. People didn’t seem to mind at first, but once the drugs wore off, they were pissed. I was there, and it was not a pretty sight. Two of the acts were cancelled, many had abbreviated sets, the night dragged on well past midnight, and worst of all the pier was totally closed off which meant there was no silent disco. And then is it really worth it?? Despite all the high winds there was only one incident a woman was injured because vending machine landed on her. After all that, people started wondering what they paid hundreds of dollars for, and they started demanding their money back. But after tons of social media backlash all weekend long, the executive producer of the festival said they will issue no refunds. One of the performers, Duke Dumont even complained on social media, saying they were making artists perform on flooded stages and threatened to not pay them if they didn’t go on. But hey, maybe next year will be better.

Since it’s about two weeks until Halloween, it seems only fitting to talk about Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hannukah, New Year’s, Kwanza and everything in between. The advertising comes earlier and earlier every year and so do the Black Friday sales. It’s gotten to the point where people aren’t even attending thanksgiving anymore because they need to get in line for the sales. But this year, our prayers might be answered. Because retailers are finally figuring out that having Black Friday sales on Thanksgiving Day is a really bad idea. After several years of doing this, stores like Costco, REI, Home Depot and several large malls have decided to stay completely closed on Thanksgiving Day. Of course they’re all saying it’s because they want to do the right thing and reserve this day for time spent with family, but we all know it’s really because of backlash and the fact that Black Friday sales have been dropping. I’m sure a few companies still plan on staying open for Thanksgiving, but at least REI has attempted to start the trend. And everyone knows where REI goes, the world follows.

Pretty soon we will be saying goodbye to our current President, Mr. Obama and saying hello to either a pussy grabber or a pant suit wearer. But before that happens, Obama is leaving us with the best parting gift ever: Cuban cigars and rum. He has done America a huge favor and lifted the ban on importing the two things everybody wants to import from Cuba.  Cigars and rummy rum. They were banned back when the Cold War was going on, but once it ended they upheld the ban and forced everyone to buy Cuban cigars on the black market. But that old rich guy bragging about his fine Cuban cigars now has nothing to brag about, because every dumb idiot can get ’em! No more ban, no more $100 limits on merchandise, and a lot more future trips to Cuba. Obviously this ban lift is designed to improve the tense relationship between Cuba and America, but it also helps that Obama is a big cigar fan. I’m sure he’s setting himself up for a nice, comfortable post-presidential life.

Being in a relationship is cool. But you know what’s even cooler? Pinterest. When you get into a new relationship, seems really exciting at first. But inevitably you get to that point where your partner is no longer amusing and you end up gravitating toward the thing that always has something to say: your phone. It won’t nag you about using too much toilet paper, and it’ll never tell you your looks have gone south. And I guess that is why a new study has found that people in relationships, particularly women, spend 12-hours more a week checking emails, sending texts, or surfing social media than they do with their significant others. They also found that if people are unable to be on their phones, it leads to stress, anger and panic. A fifth of those surveyed said it would be harder to be without a phone for a week than their partner.


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